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I stopped for a couple days because I was too depressed and tired to write. But now I'm even more depressed and tired to the point where I can't ignore it, and I HAVE to overcerebralize it to feel better about myself. The ego is a very strange mechanism...
This is probably because I had too much coffee and it spiked my anxiety and it made me really easily irritated. But I needed to get work done today so I'm swapping out my apathetic lethargy for feverish neurosis. At least I was slightly productive today.
I guess I don't really feel like a priority. I know this is an underlying cause of me being a spoiled only child who is always hungry for attention because I never have had competition in my young childhood, and thus I have not had an organic education on learning that I'm not the center of the world, so excuse my obtuse petulance about this egotistical issue.
This is probably because I never try to make myself noticed. I guess I have this fear of coming off attention hungry and gaudy in my mannerisms, even though it shows no matter how hard I try. I guess it's just in my nature as someone who has no siblings or anything and was doted on by my parents from a young age. The sudden lack of attention from when you're younger to when you're older must've been shocking to me as a young child. I don't remember much of my childhood though, but as I progressed throughout my school years, i spent less and less time with my parents, due to our respective responsibilities in work and school.
Pausing my droning psychobabble to say that I feel better already LMAO.
But this petering out of attention took a toll on my unconscious naive child self. Spending hours on hours at home waiting for my parents to return unknowingly eroded my ego. Even the act of leaving me at an afterschool daycare, suffering the presence of other kids my age (I was a bit of an edgy misanthropist in middle school lol) until the late hours of the night must've felt like a betrayal to my psyche, flying under the conscious radar of my mind.
This may have instilled a fear of rejection in me, where I, in return, withdrew back from my parents in an involuntary act of revenge, enacted by my unconscious mind.
Ok that's enough writing for today if I'm not able to get home and have a drink tonight I will start MURDERING people
This is probably because I had too much coffee and it spiked my anxiety and it made me really easily irritated. But I needed to get work done today so I'm swapping out my apathetic lethargy for feverish neurosis. At least I was slightly productive today.
I guess I don't really feel like a priority. I know this is an underlying cause of me being a spoiled only child who is always hungry for attention because I never have had competition in my young childhood, and thus I have not had an organic education on learning that I'm not the center of the world, so excuse my obtuse petulance about this egotistical issue.
This is probably because I never try to make myself noticed. I guess I have this fear of coming off attention hungry and gaudy in my mannerisms, even though it shows no matter how hard I try. I guess it's just in my nature as someone who has no siblings or anything and was doted on by my parents from a young age. The sudden lack of attention from when you're younger to when you're older must've been shocking to me as a young child. I don't remember much of my childhood though, but as I progressed throughout my school years, i spent less and less time with my parents, due to our respective responsibilities in work and school.
Pausing my droning psychobabble to say that I feel better already LMAO.
But this petering out of attention took a toll on my unconscious naive child self. Spending hours on hours at home waiting for my parents to return unknowingly eroded my ego. Even the act of leaving me at an afterschool daycare, suffering the presence of other kids my age (I was a bit of an edgy misanthropist in middle school lol) until the late hours of the night must've felt like a betrayal to my psyche, flying under the conscious radar of my mind.
This may have instilled a fear of rejection in me, where I, in return, withdrew back from my parents in an involuntary act of revenge, enacted by my unconscious mind.
Ok that's enough writing for today if I'm not able to get home and have a drink tonight I will start MURDERING people
