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I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. Usually I need 9+ hours of sleep, so I'll go to bed at 10 or 11 so I can wake up at 7. But I went to bed around 12 or 1 am so now my brain feels like it's been filled with static and my eyes feel like a fire ant died in them.. I always get so jealous when I hear about other people's shitty sleep schedules and watch them still be able to function with at least some facade of equilibrium. I know that's a pretty stupid thing to be jealous of but chronic illness makes you pretty stupid, to be honest. Have you seen the amount of toxic CI influencers online?? It's honestly kind of crazy how disproportionate the toxicity is to other communities, especially for something you'd expect people to have solidarity over. But I don't really watch those kinds of people anymore, so I don't really care that much now.
I joined this subreddit about enneagrams. I know it's pseudoscience, but I find it very interesting. Some commentary could be made about how humans have an inherent need to categorize themselves, but I'm toooo sleepy to get into that today. Maybe when I have the energy to do one of my irrelevant, hermetic musings.
I wanted to do one of the questionnaires that they posted so people can type you. I don't consider myself an expert in enneatyping, so perhaps some jobless eremite (I can't be talking though lol) who's more well-versed in this subject can type me correctly.
Okay, back to the questionnaire. This is linked here. (Hopefully this works this time.. Last time I hyperlinked something, it didn't work and I had to edit my post and relink it.)
I think I'm a type 5, but who knows (probably someone with more knowledge on the enneagram system).
1. Recall an event where you were distressed or faced great difficulty. Describe your subjective experience.
My mentality is to keep my head down and not complain, because I feel like it makes me sound like a whiny little five year old who is overindulged by his parents and has never encountered hardship in his life lol. But often I surrender to myself because I'm constantly overcome with the urge to complain.. Usually I complain to my journal to keep it private, and when I do vocally complain it's usually about minor things that everyone can relate to so I don't seem to be out of place. I think the urge to complain stems from me being too negative, or the repression of my urges intensifies them to the point where sublimation is not optional.
But mostly I try to handle it on my own. I feel like when other people try to help me with my emotions or shortcomings, (e.g. therapists, prying friends) I become instinctually defensive and try to turn the conversation around to something else or just stay silent altogether. Most of the time, I don't really think that I need help, and I've gotten through most of my problems by myself. However, I fear that I do have a bit of a codependent streak occasionally (as does everyone, no?), and thusly I despise that part of myself. Thinking about it makes me feel incompetent for not being able to handle things on my own, so I limit expressions of dependence to only people that I'm close with, and even so, they are very few and far between.
2. What is your perspective when it comes to relationships and social interaction of all kinds? What do you value?
I going to talk a LOT about this. Sorry.
I'm sure many people feel like this, and I know this sentiment is over-repeated, but I have a hard time connecting to others. Subsequently, I don't try to make friends often. I will be polite and friendly on the surface to maintain a socially acceptable facade, and also because I feel bad whenever I accidentally come off as rude.
A component of my "real personality" (I hate that phrase because its an oversimplification of personality, which I liken to a complex machine with many components and facets that can be interpreted as truth through many different perceptions. Therefore, in my eyes, there can never be a "real personality" as people say, but I'm blabbing now, whoops.) is that I have a bit of a flat affect. My sense of humor is a bit dry and sardonic as well, which could come off as rude in the wrong context. Before I learned to conceal this aspect of myself, I used to be labeled as an annoying smart-ass who likes to put others down. I felt really guilty when people thought that I was being rude to them, so I adopted a softer personality. I do consider myself a kind and empathetic person (soft, if you may). However, I feel like my fear of offending others and coming off as rude causes me to always have a bit of dissonance between people getting to know me.
Keeping up this innocuousness also exhausts me heavily, so after socializing with "surface level acquaintances" for a short time, I end up feeling drained. Therefore, I don't really make friends that often because people never get past the "surface level" stage (and you can throw any chance of a romantic relationship out of the window as well lol).
Another reason why I don't make friends often is when OTHER people want to make friends with me, I try to push them away even if I do want to be friends (I don't even know why, I think it's just instinct). If they persist enough, eventually I'll give up. I'm also notoriously bad at small talk. I do, however, have a bunch of esoteric interests that I could go on and on about if prompted. I tend to make friends that also have these interests.
Lacking connection doesn't really matter to me though, because I don't feel the need to make many friends. I think that I can have fun by myself. But I do enjoy the company of my few close friends.
As for something I value in a relationship, I guess I'd like someone who can accept my "real personality" (I lose 10 years off my life every time I use this phrase). I'd also appreciate it if they had to understood to leave me alone if I want to be left alone. I don't really think about what I value in relationships that much.
3. How do you feel about your own needs and desires? Are you confident that they can be fulfilled? How and why?
All humans have needs and desires, from necessities to shameful hedonistic compulsions, so it's no surprise that I do too. I'm very much a pushover, so oftentimes I'll let someone else's desires override mine. However, I can also be very stubborn if need be, so if I really need or desire something, I'll push for it. I don't have much self-confidence though, so most of the time I end up giving up.
In terms of fulfillment, it depends on what type of need or desire it is, and how much I will it to be fulfilled. I don't have high expectations of myself, and my physiological, safety, and belonging needs (ref. Maslow's hierarchy of needs) are fulfilled, so I don't have any lofty goals that I'm aiming for.
I'm still a minor, so the biggest goal that I have is probably fulfilling my dream of earning a steady income through an artistic occupation, which is going to be pretty much impossible in this day and age with the rise of generative ai. Besides from that, I tend to be a bit apathetic when I realize I can't achieve a goal, so I set the bar low for myself, so I can feel some sort of purpose and gratification from reaching them.
4. What is your personal worldview? (Indulge your philosophical side here!)
I'm trying very very hard to be an optimist these days so I don't off myself (joking). Unfortunately, I think I'm predisposed to pessimism, no matter how positive I try to be. My optimistic worldview is that the human purpose of existence is to experience the wonders and joys of the world!!!1!1! But my pessimistic worldview, like a surly teenager, argues that the human purpose of existence was never supposed to be discovered, and that human awareness is a mistake in evolution that upon detection, superimposes the man-made prison of self-awareness upon the mind.
For my own sanity (and embarrassment at how edgy I sound) I try to believe the former. Alas, to my frustration, the latter wins out. I sound like a cartoon villain.
5. What major life lessons have you learned or are currently trying to learn? What makes you different from the more foolish/immature you in the past?
I think that I am always learning. :) People can never truly know anything, but one can try! I like to learn, I think that I have things to learn that are beyond my current comprehension, and that I will learn in due time.
I am different from the more immature me in the past in the way that I am not the same person as I was yesterday, nor am I the same person I was a minute ago. We can only become more mature with age, because all knowledge is very valuable!
I joined this subreddit about enneagrams. I know it's pseudoscience, but I find it very interesting. Some commentary could be made about how humans have an inherent need to categorize themselves, but I'm toooo sleepy to get into that today. Maybe when I have the energy to do one of my irrelevant, hermetic musings.
I wanted to do one of the questionnaires that they posted so people can type you. I don't consider myself an expert in enneatyping, so perhaps some jobless eremite (I can't be talking though lol) who's more well-versed in this subject can type me correctly.
Okay, back to the questionnaire. This is linked here. (Hopefully this works this time.. Last time I hyperlinked something, it didn't work and I had to edit my post and relink it.)
I think I'm a type 5, but who knows (probably someone with more knowledge on the enneagram system).
1. Recall an event where you were distressed or faced great difficulty. Describe your subjective experience.
My mentality is to keep my head down and not complain, because I feel like it makes me sound like a whiny little five year old who is overindulged by his parents and has never encountered hardship in his life lol. But often I surrender to myself because I'm constantly overcome with the urge to complain.. Usually I complain to my journal to keep it private, and when I do vocally complain it's usually about minor things that everyone can relate to so I don't seem to be out of place. I think the urge to complain stems from me being too negative, or the repression of my urges intensifies them to the point where sublimation is not optional.
But mostly I try to handle it on my own. I feel like when other people try to help me with my emotions or shortcomings, (e.g. therapists, prying friends) I become instinctually defensive and try to turn the conversation around to something else or just stay silent altogether. Most of the time, I don't really think that I need help, and I've gotten through most of my problems by myself. However, I fear that I do have a bit of a codependent streak occasionally (as does everyone, no?), and thusly I despise that part of myself. Thinking about it makes me feel incompetent for not being able to handle things on my own, so I limit expressions of dependence to only people that I'm close with, and even so, they are very few and far between.
2. What is your perspective when it comes to relationships and social interaction of all kinds? What do you value?
I going to talk a LOT about this. Sorry.
I'm sure many people feel like this, and I know this sentiment is over-repeated, but I have a hard time connecting to others. Subsequently, I don't try to make friends often. I will be polite and friendly on the surface to maintain a socially acceptable facade, and also because I feel bad whenever I accidentally come off as rude.
A component of my "real personality" (I hate that phrase because its an oversimplification of personality, which I liken to a complex machine with many components and facets that can be interpreted as truth through many different perceptions. Therefore, in my eyes, there can never be a "real personality" as people say, but I'm blabbing now, whoops.) is that I have a bit of a flat affect. My sense of humor is a bit dry and sardonic as well, which could come off as rude in the wrong context. Before I learned to conceal this aspect of myself, I used to be labeled as an annoying smart-ass who likes to put others down. I felt really guilty when people thought that I was being rude to them, so I adopted a softer personality. I do consider myself a kind and empathetic person (soft, if you may). However, I feel like my fear of offending others and coming off as rude causes me to always have a bit of dissonance between people getting to know me.
Keeping up this innocuousness also exhausts me heavily, so after socializing with "surface level acquaintances" for a short time, I end up feeling drained. Therefore, I don't really make friends that often because people never get past the "surface level" stage (and you can throw any chance of a romantic relationship out of the window as well lol).
Another reason why I don't make friends often is when OTHER people want to make friends with me, I try to push them away even if I do want to be friends (I don't even know why, I think it's just instinct). If they persist enough, eventually I'll give up. I'm also notoriously bad at small talk. I do, however, have a bunch of esoteric interests that I could go on and on about if prompted. I tend to make friends that also have these interests.
Lacking connection doesn't really matter to me though, because I don't feel the need to make many friends. I think that I can have fun by myself. But I do enjoy the company of my few close friends.
As for something I value in a relationship, I guess I'd like someone who can accept my "real personality" (I lose 10 years off my life every time I use this phrase). I'd also appreciate it if they had to understood to leave me alone if I want to be left alone. I don't really think about what I value in relationships that much.
3. How do you feel about your own needs and desires? Are you confident that they can be fulfilled? How and why?
All humans have needs and desires, from necessities to shameful hedonistic compulsions, so it's no surprise that I do too. I'm very much a pushover, so oftentimes I'll let someone else's desires override mine. However, I can also be very stubborn if need be, so if I really need or desire something, I'll push for it. I don't have much self-confidence though, so most of the time I end up giving up.
In terms of fulfillment, it depends on what type of need or desire it is, and how much I will it to be fulfilled. I don't have high expectations of myself, and my physiological, safety, and belonging needs (ref. Maslow's hierarchy of needs) are fulfilled, so I don't have any lofty goals that I'm aiming for.
I'm still a minor, so the biggest goal that I have is probably fulfilling my dream of earning a steady income through an artistic occupation, which is going to be pretty much impossible in this day and age with the rise of generative ai. Besides from that, I tend to be a bit apathetic when I realize I can't achieve a goal, so I set the bar low for myself, so I can feel some sort of purpose and gratification from reaching them.
4. What is your personal worldview? (Indulge your philosophical side here!)
I'm trying very very hard to be an optimist these days so I don't off myself (joking). Unfortunately, I think I'm predisposed to pessimism, no matter how positive I try to be. My optimistic worldview is that the human purpose of existence is to experience the wonders and joys of the world!!!1!1! But my pessimistic worldview, like a surly teenager, argues that the human purpose of existence was never supposed to be discovered, and that human awareness is a mistake in evolution that upon detection, superimposes the man-made prison of self-awareness upon the mind.
For my own sanity (and embarrassment at how edgy I sound) I try to believe the former. Alas, to my frustration, the latter wins out. I sound like a cartoon villain.
5. What major life lessons have you learned or are currently trying to learn? What makes you different from the more foolish/immature you in the past?
I think that I am always learning. :) People can never truly know anything, but one can try! I like to learn, I think that I have things to learn that are beyond my current comprehension, and that I will learn in due time.
I am different from the more immature me in the past in the way that I am not the same person as I was yesterday, nor am I the same person I was a minute ago. We can only become more mature with age, because all knowledge is very valuable!
